when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
