Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
