all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
