Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
