Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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