i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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