seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
