11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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