Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
