Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
