What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
