i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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