I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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