i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
