Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
