You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
