He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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