At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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