Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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