she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
