So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
