At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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