I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
