He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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