I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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