You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
