Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
