I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
