You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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