Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
