Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
