She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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