Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
