and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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