I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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