Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
