Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
