I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
