I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
