I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
