u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am naked and annoyed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
