You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
