I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
