I think I won the penis lottery.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
