I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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