I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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