I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
