Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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