I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
