I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
