i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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