Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
