mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
