I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
